by Jill Barrett, Evolve CEO
With holiday gift giving all around us, I wonder what you think of the narrative, ‘It's better to give than receive’? Do you agree?
Did you know that many people have trouble receiving—whether it's a compliment, a present, even a hug? To receive a gift from the world can be a real challenge for them. Why is this a problem?
These lovely humans may be stuck in something psychotherapist Steven Kessler calls the Compensated Merging Pattern. According to Steven's Five Personality Patterns, people in the Compensated Merging Pattern continually direct their focus and energy outside of themselves, toward the other person. They want to be the solution to everyone's problems. At Evolve, we often say that they "collect needy people" as a way to fill their own needs. They're nice to you so you'll like them and help them. They try to give you what you need, even if it's not what they want or need. In fact, they forget that they have any wants or needs. After years of doing this, they embody the archetype of the Martyr. When the moment comes to receive a gift, they cannot take it in. They miss out on the nourishment and connection that gifts provide. Like all Martyrs, they burn out.
On the flip side, did you know that many people struggle with giving? They have difficultly expressing themselves and taking action in the world.
We might assess these splendid people as being in the Enduring Pattern. Their attention and energy pull in and goes down in their body so that they can hide, or at least hunker down and endure whatever is coming. They might agree with you on the outside, but on the inside, they resist you and think, “Leave me alone. I need my space.” We coach many people like this, too. Like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, everything feels heavy and stuck. They don't take action; they just endure and fuss. Since so much energy goes to managing their own burdens, it doesn't occur to them that they have gifts to offer the world. That others want to see them and experience their gifts.
How about you? What's your tendency? Can you absorb the gifts that surround you this holiday season? Whether holiday presents or other kinds of gifts—like good health, a loving family, the natural world that surrounds us, try letting it all in. What about giving? Can you offer your gifts to the people around you? Do you think you have anything to offer? Try turning your energy outward towards others, expressing yourself through gifts and action. (For those of you who are suffering this season after losing a loved one or having a health challenge, you may want to ignore all of this and simply shower yourself with compassion!)
At the end of the day, it's about what the beloved Jewish song, Yihiyeh Tov, says: learning to live together. This is the greater gift. When we balance giving and receiving, we are creating a flourishing, interconnected world.
At Evolve, we are ever expanding in our ability to give and receive. I find that the more grounded we are in our own values, the better we can attune to our needs and the needs around us. For the first time in our company's history, we have a balanced corporate giving strategy—one that helps the community while also serving our mission. This year, we made our first intentional, unsolicited donations to two nonprofit organizations in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region that help people heal from trauma through the arts. They are Pittsburgh Youth Chorus and Pittsburgh Cultural Trust.
For support creating a corporate giving strategy of your own, check out Evolve's Guide to Developing a Corporate Giving Strategy.
Happiest of holidays to you. May all that have life be free of suffering.
P.S. The Five Personality Patterns is one of the key frameworks we bring to every Evolve engagement. Reach out if you're curious to learn more.
“Service or giving is the other side of receiving. Giving and receiving is a full circle: a full circle feels more natural than a half circle. ”